I feel asleep last night thinking of his mama. His first mother, his birth mother. Although, I am not legally his mother yet, I am feeling the beginning stages of what it will be like to be his mother. The questions, the concern, the pain for his loss. I have SO many questions that we may never have answers to. HE may never have answers to settle his little heart. Who is she? Why couldn't she/they keep him? Who is his father? Does he have siblings?
We watched Adopted last night. I'm sorry if you have not seen it yet, but I'm going to give a bit of it away, so my apologies for spoiling it! It's a documentary following 2 families through transracial adoption. We were both glued to the TV and kept hitting pause to ask each other questions or talk about an issue right then. There was a scene that bothered us so much. A family was picking up their daughter in China and she was just kind of thrusted into the mother's arms, but she was so scared and clearly didn't want to go. It just seemed so forced and the little girl was upset. These people were strangers to her. She cried the whole time during the transition of picking her up. Ugh...how much I do not want that to be our situation when picking him up. I don't want to just take him instantly away from his caregivers. I want him to see us, hear our voices, look at our faces before we hold him. We are STRANGERS to him at that point. So much of the day of picking him up is out of our hands, but we will do our best to make it a gentle, slow transition. As much as I will be fighting back to run, hug him and kiss him...we just have to let him take it in. These little things, so many of these little things we could do so wrong. There is just so much to think about. A woman in the film makes a statement that the only reason she is here (with her adopted family) is because she was abandoned. No matter how much she was told they wanted her and how long they waited for her, she always knows this reason. I keep hearing this over and over in my head. As wonderful as our experience is on our end of finding out he exists & of getting prepared to bring him into our lives, the reason behind that is because there is a major loss on the other side. His loss. Their loss. And, he will carry this with him always. His parents & birth family will carry this always. And, Josh and I will carry this always.