Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Who? What? Where? Why?

I feel asleep last night thinking of his mama. His first mother, his birth mother. Although, I am not legally his mother yet, I am feeling the beginning stages of what it will be like to be his mother. The questions, the concern, the pain for his loss. I have SO many questions that we may never have answers to. HE may never have answers to settle his little heart. Who is she? Why couldn't she/they keep him? Who is his father? Does he have siblings?
We watched Adopted last night. I'm sorry if you have not seen it yet, but I'm going to give a bit of it away, so my apologies for spoiling it! It's a documentary following 2 families through transracial adoption. We were both glued to the TV and kept hitting pause to ask each other questions or talk about an issue right then. There was a scene that bothered us so much. A family was picking up their daughter in China and she was just kind of thrusted into the mother's arms, but she was so scared and clearly didn't want to go. It just seemed so forced and the little girl was upset. These people were strangers to her. She cried the whole time during the transition of picking her up. Ugh...how much I do not want that to be our situation when picking him up. I don't want to just take him instantly away from his caregivers. I want him to see us, hear our voices, look at our faces before we hold him. We are STRANGERS to him at that point. So much of the day of picking him up is out of our hands, but we will do our best to make it a gentle, slow transition. As much as I will be fighting back to run, hug him and kiss him...we just have to let him take it in. These little things, so many of these little things we could do so wrong. There is just so much to think about. A woman in the film makes a statement that the only reason she is here (with her adopted family) is because she was abandoned. No matter how much she was told they wanted her and how long they waited for her, she always knows this reason. I keep hearing this over and over in my head. As wonderful as our experience is on our end of finding out he exists & of getting prepared to bring him into our lives, the reason behind that is because there is a major loss on the other side. His loss. Their loss. And, he will carry this with him always. His parents & birth family will carry this always. And, Josh and I will carry this always.


  1. and you will grow together from that place. it is your roots and the beginning of your journey. it's hard to wrap our minds around such profound loss...but we can wrap our hearts around it and nurture that safe place of healing for our children...for us.

  2. All of my children were thrown in a sense at me, and they grieved, all in different ways. There is no easy way to do it. Even Evelina who understood had mixed emotions. The thing is they attached quickly, and so will your son. My children have no memories of that day, of life in another country, of life before me ever. Their adoption story begins with a bio mother who chose to give them life. She loved them more than anything in this world. To this day their bio mothers must yearn for the children they were forced to give up due to society rules or a poverty that was so deep they would have died. My children all know they were loved and so was your son, and they were placed in the orphanage because I was their mommy, and I was coming to get them. My 6 yr. old daughter who was adoptrd at ahe 12 months told me the other day not to cry, that it was ok as we were talking about her story. She told me her bio parents were right there in her heart ! How profound from a 6 yr. old. One day we will go more into details with the word abandon but for today your son's mother loved him so much she gave the gift of a new life and a family and a future. What a strong woman !
    Hope this helps, it is now real, and it will continue to bring out more feelings. Keep feeling !